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Boatman & The Scholar

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Professor Swatalot: Radha Mohan das
Bala the boatman: Parividha das

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released May 16, 2015

Script by Parividha das and Radha Mohan das
Additional lines by Jaya Gopala das

Recorded and mixed by Dwijamani das

Produced and directed by Parividha das 2000


Review

Giridhari das (SRS):
Thank you for the theatrical soundtracks. They have a clear quality. Very professional. We found them a great asset on our festival tour
in East and Central Africa. We were confident that the wide variety of people in our audiences, Africans, Asians, students and villagers alike, were able to follow the meanings and messages.

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about

Parividha Amsterdam, Netherlands

Parividha das was initiated by Srila Prabhupada in 1973.

He performed with
the Vaikuntha Players
in New York in 1977
and worked with the Bhaktivedanta Players in England from 1978 to 1985.

He has appeared as John the Baptist & Judas in the musical "Godspell", Mr. Lyons in "Blood Brothers" and Pharaoh & Jacob in "Joseph And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat".
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Track Name: The Boatman & The Scholar
Professor Swatalot:
Damm and blast! I’m already 10 minutes and 15 seconds late and I can’t find a bridge across this ruddy river!
Huh! India…Huh! What kind of godforsaken place is this?
I suppose I’ll have to find a boat to take me across.
Let me ask that simple peasant.
Excuse me simple peasant, can you tell me where I can find a boat to take me across this confounded river?
Peasant:
Oh you can ask Bala sir. (The scholar looks around.)
He’s taking a nap under that tree over there
Professor Swatalot:
Thank you. Excuse me old chap.
Bala the boatman:
Huh?
Professor Swatalot:
Yes, excuse me. Are you Bala the boatman?
Bala the boatman:
Yes yes.
Professor Swatalot:
I have to cross the river as soon as I can.
Bala the boatman:
Accha!
Professor Swatalot:
Swiftly lead me to your boat. Come on, I’m in a hurry.
Bala the boatman:
Here it is, sir.
Professor Swatalot: :
Where?
Bala the boatman:
Just here sir.
Professor Swatalot:
Huh! I say, do you expect me to climb onto that piece of wood? I’m not going to be seen dead in that! Huh! It will probably sink half way across the river!
Bala the boatman:
No no sir! This boat is very safe. Only the other day I got my uncle and auntie and their eight children to squeeze in. No trouble!
Professor Swatalot:
Hmm.
Bala the boatman:
And yesterday, I had a farmer, a herd of two camels and three cows, four babaji’s, and my mother in-law on top!
Professor Swatalot:
Hmm.
Bala the boatman:
And she is at least 200 kg’s sir!
Professor Swatalot:
By Jove! Hmm, I suppose I don’t have any choice in the matter huh?
Bala the boatman:
But now it is too dangerous to cross the river sir.
There’s a storm coming up.
Professor Swatalot:
A storm? Ridiculous! Ridiculous! It’s beautiful weather!
There’s not a single cloud in the sky!
Bala the boatman:
I’m telling you, there’s a storm coming up! Trust me sir.
Professor Swatalot:
I’ll pay you 20 rupees!
Bala the boatman:
Ah.
Professor Swatalot:
Thirty!
Bala the boatman:
Hmm.
Professor Swatalot:
All right I pay you fifty!
Bala the boatman:
OK. Climb in sir. Govinda jaya Gopala jaya jaya. Govinda jaya Gopala jaya jaya. Govinda jaya Gopala jaya jaya. Govinda jaya
Professor Swatalot:
Eh, Hurry up will you? I haven’t got all day!
Bala the boatman:
Do not worry sir.
Professor Swatalot:
Don’t worry? Don’t worry? Don’t you know who I am? I am professor Swatalot, BA, Phd, MA, MAD. I. I’m making the opening speech today at the University on the subject of science and rational, logical thinking!
Bala the boatman:
Oh very nice sir. You are very important. Govinda jaya jaya Gopala
Professor Swatalot:
And eh what about you? Have you been to university old chap?
Bala the boatman:
O no sir.
Professor Swatalot:
Polytechnic?
One of those engineering sandwich courses or something?
Bala the boatman:
No sir.
Professor Swatalot: :
You have a few ‘A’ levels under your belt I hope?
Bala the boatman:
But, I’m not wearing belt sir.
Professor Swatalot: :
No, no no no, I didn’t mean that. I meant uh Ah it doesn’t matter. Have you studied at all? Can you actually read?
Bala the boatman:
No sir, I can’t. Uh uh but I do listen to the Pandits
reciting Mahabharata or Bhagavat Sapta.
Professor Swatalot:
Those old folk tales! Piffle! That’s not study. T. T. T.T. You can’t read. You can’t study. T. T. T. T.You know, you’ve wasted 25% of your life? Do you hear me? 25%!
Bala the boatman:
25% sir? O, I’m very sorry to hear that sir. Oh! Look Professor! Look, it’s Surabhi!
Professor Swatalot:
Surabhi? Where? What?
Bala the boatman:
Surabhi, my pet cow sir. She’s just over there standing by the bank of the Ganga. Surabhi! (He waves at her) Haribol! Hah, she has probably walked from the village toget a little water to drink.
Professor Swatalot:
Why don’t you keep her fenced off in a field or something?
Bala the boatman:
O no sir. The cow is our mother. You don’t keep your mother fenced off.
Professor Swatalot: (To himself)
I wish I could! Anyway I can’t see anything special about the cow.
Bala the boatman:
That’s That’s because you are too busy eating them!
Professor Swatalot:
Hah! And why not? The cow is a meal on four legs as far as I’m concerned.
Bala the boatman:
O Krishna.
Professor Swatalot:
The only decent cow is one inside a big, a big juicy hamburger! Hmm!
Bala the boatman:
Oh, please sir! Please! I have never eaten animal flesh. And what to speak of eating a cow, who is just like our mother, providing us with milk, from which we can make gee, dahi, lassi…
Professor Swatalot:
Hah! You’re one of those vegetarians I see. T.T.T.T. It is time for you chaps to become civilised. You know you have wasted 50 % of your life.
Bala the boatman:
50% Sir? I’m very sorry to hear that.
Professor:
And so you should. So you should. Hmm. Now be quiet. I have to practice my university speech.
Hmmm. Errrhumm. Hmm. My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, we are all gathered here today in the name of science and rational thinking. Nonono Hmm. Welcome everyone, I Prof. Swotalot am deeply honoured to have been cho nono. Ah! Hmm. Lords, ladies and gentlemen, science is a concept in itself, and we stand at the brink of a brave new world. (Boatman starts chanting) I say, I say, can you be quiet please? I’m trying to rehearse my speech on rational and logical thinking and I can’t concentrate when you sing those silly songs.
Bala the boatman:
My song is not silly sir! I’m chanting the Lord’s Holy
Names sir! It makes me happy.
Professor Swatalot:
Huh! You still believe in God do you?
Bala the boatman:
O yes sir, of course!
Professor:
T.T. I say: How out of touch you are! Shall I tell you how it all happened? How it all began? Well you see, one day a long long time ago there was this mighty explosion. BANG!
Bala the boatman:
Krishna!
Professor Swatalot:
It is called the Big Bang you see. Then, as time went by, planets like the earth formed, and one vast primordial soup dominated the earth’s surface. It was dark brown, slushy, full of all kinds of bits and pieces, you see.
Bala the boatman:
Ah! Urad dahl!
Professor Swatalot:
Shhh. In the shoup (frustrated) In the soup were molecules, which came together by chance to form cells which reproduced, you see. After a time, some cells came together and made fish. Hah, the fish mated, and their children’s children’s children crawled onto the land you see. And they grew and grew and grew and later they became Dinosaurs
Bala the boatman:
Ahhhh! Your fairy story is scaring me baba.
Professor Swatalot:
And when the dinosaurs died out, little furry creatures took over and some climbed up
trees and became monkeys!
Bala the boatman:
Hanuman ki jaya!
Professor Swatalot:
Shhh. Some of the hanumans (annoyed) Look stop interrupting! Some of the clever monkeys climbed down the trees again and then gradually they stood up straight. And these were the first primitive humans. The most civilised and intelligent of these migrated into Europe you see. However, the best ones of all became the English and some quite good ones went to America. The elite of the English went to Oxford and to
Cambridge, and of those, the best went to Oxford.
Bala the boatman:
And which one did you go to sir?
Professor Swatalot:
Uh eh eh.. Why, Oxford of course!
Some of us wrote all about evolution!
How man descended from the monkey!
Bala the boatman:
Your grandfather may have been a monkey sir, but mine certainly wasn’t!
Professor Swatalot:
Ha! You don’t know anything. Do you? If you don’t believe in evolution then you have wasted eh 75% of your life. You hear! 75%!
Bala the boatman:
T. Govinda jaya Gopala jaya jaya Govinda jaya Gopala jaya jaya
Professor Swatalot:
I say, it’s starting to rain! He, get a move on will
you. All my notes are getting wet!
Bala the boatman:
I’m going as quickly as I can sir.
Professor Swatalot:
Well, this is not quick enough, Hurry up! Oh, what the devil!
(He tries to cover his notes) O no! The rain is getting worse!
Bala the boatman:
Govinda jaya jaya Gopala jaya jaya.
Professor Swatalot:
My God, the boat is filling up! The boat is filling up!
Look, there’s a small hole in one corner on the floor!
Bala the boatman:
Quick! Give me your finger sir! Quick sir! Here.
(He puts the scholar’s finger in the hole) Very good!
Now keep your finger in the hole sir.
Professor:
What? What? Stay on my hands and knees at the bottom of a wretched boat? Who do you think I am!
Bala the boatman:
Eh Please keep your finger in the hole sir!
Professor:
I am Professor Swatalot BA Ma Phd!
Bala the boatman:
Please sir, Don’t! We’re nearly across! (The professor sits down again)
Professor:
Ah! That’s better.
Bala the boatman:
Please put your finger back, otherwise we’ll sink sir!
Professor:
Stop moaning man! Just row faster, will you!
Bala the boatman:
Govinda jaya Gopala jaya!
Professor:
O no the water is spurting in! The hole has become bigger. O no my notes! My notes!
Bala the boatman:
We’re sinking! We’re sinking!
Professor Swatalot:
Thinking? That’s the ticket. Do you some good that.
Bala the boatman:
No sir, we’re sinking! Look!
Professor Swatalot:
O no! OO!
Bala the boatman:
We have to swim. I’m going! Now you sir, come on, the bank’s not far away! Swim!
Professor Swatalot:
Swim? Swim? But I can’t swim! O no my notes! My notes!
Bala the boatman:
Sir, if you can’t swim, you have wasted 100% of your life!
Professor Swatalot:
O no!
Bala the boatman:
Do the doggie-paddle sir!
Professor Swatalot:
The doggie paddle? What’s that?
Bala the boatman:
Hurry sir!
Professor Swatalot:
Help! I’m drowning! Hupegheeghe Help! Blub blub…My notes! My notes! Blub blub. Heeeelp! Pleeeeeease!
Bala the boatman:
I better help him. (Jumps in the water) Oh, you’re very heavy sir.
Professor: (Coughs)
Where? Where am I?
Bala the boatman:
Haribol!
Professor Swatalot:
What happened? O no, my speech! My notes! My notes!.....
You saved my life. I don’t know what to say.
Bala the boatman:
My boat! My boat!
Professor Swatalot:
I’m sorry about your boat old chap. Hmm. Here take this. (Hands him laksmi) I hope this will be enough.
Bala the boatman:
O! O thank you sir. Haribol!
Professor Swatalot:
Eh yes, Haribol.